Pure Exhaustion!

If you've asked me how I am doing lately you've probably heard any variation of "Exhausted" "Exhausted and I hate my life." "Hmph." I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted for the past few weeks and I just couldn't seem to shake it. I usually push myself to the limit. I always overcommit and stretch myself thin, but there was something about this exhaustion. There were days in the past few weeks where I literally crawled into bed as soon as I got home and didn't get out until the next morning. I was dreading my days. My mind was so overloaded I even got myself lost on my way to work one morning. How does that happen? I have been physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally exhausted and I couldn't make myself answer "How are you?"  in any other way than to be truthful.

Many of you may know that a few weeks ago our Aunt Eva suffered a stroke and has been in the hospital. When we went to Tennessee to be with her I met one of her dearest friends for the first time. She encouraged me to continue my blog. We had never met before and she told me about the things she read and how much she enjoys reading it. Since the summer I've struggled with what to write about, but I knew when the time was right I would have something to say. For the past few months I just haven't had the words. That's weird for me. I always have words. Ask Jeremy... sometimes I have too many words! I am a talk it out kind of person. But God was working in me in a way I couldn't describe. I found myself just praying that he would reveal it to me in His timing. I knew one day I'd figure it out. I would understand what was going on.

For the entire summer God has been working on my heart. I've felt it. In Jeremiah 18 God tells us that we are the clay in His hands. He is our potter (v.6). One day my pastor asked me how I was and I told him I literally felt like God was taking me and molding me into something different. I felt like a ball of clay and every day I was changing. He said that was good. I didn't feel like it was good. I was comfortable and didn't feel like dealing with the constant shuffle of being molded into something new. I guess I assumed that because I'd gone to Africa so much in me had already changed that there wouldn't be anything changing in me for a while... silly assumption. God is constantly changing us! My heart had experienced so much while I was in Africa and God was showing me that he isn't done yet. I'm a constant work in progress!

Every day I've been battling with these feelings of being molded, unsure of what's going on, sometimes scared that God was doing, and just being plain exhausted by life. This past week I finally decided to ask God to help me understand why I kept feeling this way and I guess I was ready to hear it. God in his infinite love revealed some things to me that I wanted to share.

The first one is this, I have a husband who has been called into ministry. What does that have to do with anything? Well, ask any pastors wife or wife of a seminary student and you'll understand how much giving and sacrifice it takes to help your husband get this work done! For me being in the ministry is a dream come true. I can't think of a better way to spend my life. Having to plan around Jeremy's schooling, lessons, quizzes, exams, studying, etc has been stressful. It doesn't help that we live in a world that tells us it's ok to focus on ourselves over others. God has given me a special and difficult role as a seminary student wife. One day he will be a pastor and I will be ready to support that role! My changing heart will understand how crucial our jobs are for God's kingdom. Jeremy is gracious and loves me even when I don't deserve it. I think he understands that the exhaustion that comes from this work is a learning process. One day it will come easily! I am thankful that God has given me such a gracious and loving husband.

Next, God reminded me through one of his scriptures just how much he cares for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I just love that scripture. For the past few months, and weeks especially, I've lived the "I can't handle it, but I'll just keep doing it my own way" syndrome. And in my stubbornness God continues to help me see that I am exactly where he wants me.  God can do more through me in my weakest moment than I can ever do all on my own in my strongest moments. I love this scripture, and I think about it often, but today it was real. It applied to my life and God was answering my questions. I am exhausted and I don't have to be.

Last, God reminded me that he called me to be his! It's so important and this reminder hit me like a ton of bricks across the face. At church we've been reading 1 Samuel (in Sunday school) and Mark. It's been awesome to see how both go together. The Bible is so alive! In Samuel you see the difficult life that David is living. He's running from Saul, constantly fighting and hiding, but trusting that God has a plan. As I read that this morning I thought, "Man, David must be exhausted." But his faith looked different than mine. He trusted God in a way I wasn't. I was controlling things because I didn't like them. David didn't want to live in a cave or be in hiding, but he was. He made the best of it and made sure that God was glorified through it all. Amazing.

And then there's Jesus. I started in Mark Chapter 1 and was planning to read up to where we are at church. I read through the second chapter before I had to flip the page... and it hit me. Everything that Jesus did suddenly overwhelmed me. Take a look at it for yourself. Flip open your bible and just read the titles and think about everything he did in his short life. I flipped page after page and just by reading the titles I was exhausted... Jesus drives out the evil spirit, heals a paralytic, appoints apostles, feeds thousands, travels here and there preaching and teaching, raises from the dead, heals the sick. Those are all just through Chapter 8.

How exhausted must Jesus have been? But Jesus was different than most of us. He kept going. I can just imagine that Jesus, in his weakness from being in this world with so many people who needed so many things, was exhausted. But he constantly went to the Father and was given strength. I am exhausted and weak, and my Father is waiting for me to ask him to take over! Jesus works and prays and works and prays and works and prays... all without ceasing.  That is what I am called to do. Exhausted is right where I am supposed to be. With this balance of working and praying God will energize me, love me, encourage me, and fill me up every day to be emptied for his people!

And after all of this I come back to the simple task that God spoke to me about in December 2005 when I knew He called me into ministry work, "Come, follow me", Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." (Mark 1:17) It's not an easy job, but I am thankful for the constant reminders that he loves me and has everything in control. Aren't you?

summer.

We have been busy! I am sorry for not updating much this summer. I can explain! My power cord for my Mac went to Mac heaven. I was really great about uploading photos of things we've done all summer long and the other day I opened my computer and it wouldn't start. We have to wait for a new one. Sorry!

Jeremy had a busy summer with school. He had 2 classes. One class was the Baptist Convention and he traveled to New Orleans with a few other Pastors from Elgin. He had a great time and learned a lot! I have been equally busy with work and traveling. Here are some pictures from my phone of our summer events... some of them!



Molly and Lula had their annual check up at the Vet. Poor Molly hates it, but I love this picture of her!





At Columbia Airport welcoming Katy to America!


 

We made a pit stop at South of the Border. A place everyone should visit when they come to SC... mostly for laughs!

Olivia joined us for a road trip to D.C.

Valerie and Katy in Washington D.C. Katy's first visit!

We even got tickets to the Nats game. Katy's first baseball game!

Olivia playing with Fluffy at her grandparents house in Virginia. They had a great time meeting each other.

We took a trip to Chicago to visit with our friends from all over the US. It was a mini-Uganda reunion!

Summer scarf is a must have in the US.

We spent the weekend with Melissa and Lola. Here we are visiting the American Girl Store in downtown Chicago!

Last time we saw Lola it was in Uganda. What a sweet treat to know God has a beautiful plan for this girl!
 She is so loved!

  

We also hung out at Lake Wateree. We had a great time!

Hite Family, Summer 2012

Xander has gotten so big! He is now, and has been for a while, taller than me! I still can't believe it!

We had dinner with our friends Patrick and Kat! We love them!

The boys love each other a lot. Don't let this picture fool you!

We recently celebrated 6 months of wedding bliss. It really has been wonderful.  We love being able to watch Olivia grow, spend time with friends and just fellowship, and continue to follow and trust the Lord with our future! I am excited about how God is at work in our relationship and preparing us for things... like moving to Puerto Rico one day to do ministry! :)

Thanks for reading. I'll post again soon! xoxo

Answered prayers!

I realize I haven't updated you on our family in a while. We have a lot to be thankful for! Even through the stress and uncertainty God has provided exceedingly more than we need. So many answered prayers to tell you about.

Things have been busy, but when are they not? About 2 weeks ago Kiera finally got an interview for a housekeeping position at a hotel she saw on our daily drive into work.  Who is so thoughtful to look for something that isn't out of the way... especially when you live in the middle of nowhere and the choices are minimal? Anyways, she was offered the position and she took it. She gets paid minimum wage and started working 30 hours a week. It was an unexpected, answered prayer for Kiera! Yesterday she actually got a little boost and now works as a cleaner and at the front desk for 40 hours a week. I take Kiera to work every day (an hour early) and someone gets her when her shift is over. It's been a bit of an adjustment with time and driving. A lot of adjustment really. I guess taking care of another person does that to you. I take her to work every day (an hour every morning) and someone picks her up when her shift is over. It's been a huge adjustment driving another person to and from work. We are starting to get a hang of it, though.

Over dinner one night Jeremy and I were talking about the situation. Jeremy mentioned how impressed he is with Kiera because she wasn't above any job. Although it's not the job she dreamed about having after college she was willing to take anything to help out. I felt it was important for her to know how he felt, especially since I knew it would encourage her. He is very much like the father figure she never had.

Although it's not an ideal job, we are thankful that she has a source of income. She is continuing the search for a "big girl" job and still trusting that God will show her direction for her life. Grad school? work? All of that has been discussed. We shall see! And I've started slowly been teaching her about being frugal. Hopefully she'll be able to save lots of money for her future...  It's a lesson for her, but it's also teaching us how to parent. She doesn't need a lot of parenting, but we get to practice communicating, setting chores, setting standards, etc.

Another answered prayer is a car. This little blessing is coming from my 'rents! There is a lady in their church who had an extra car. It's a 1997 Ford Taurus... a little clunker, but it's better than no wheels at all. Kiera is super excited. She called our friend Gretchen yesterday and told her about it. The cost is 37 dollars for tags and Kiera gets to pay that. She'll get to buy her first car! I wanted her to be able to take ownership in this huge responsibility. We still haven't tackled the drivers license issue, but we set a goal of the end of June to try the first test.

Valerie has been a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE help to us all. After graduation she hasn't had much to do, aside from caring for her family, applying for jobs, taking care of her household, etc.  She has selflessly volunteered her time to helping Kiera learn to drive and even lets her drive her car. I let Kiera drive once and it was a little too scary for me... no offense Kiera! :) We have leaned on Valerie and Jason for support and we are learning every day what it means to "Take a village" to raise a child. We are so thankful to have Valerie and Jason so close by. They are a huge support for all of us! And Kiera loves baby O a lot, so she doesn't mind getting to hang out with them. We even let her babysit while we went to the Carolina game.

It's still surreal to me that Kiera's family did what they did. She continues to grow spiritually from this situation. I'm sad that I can't offer her the kind of freedom she was used to in college. Hopefully when she gets her drivers license she will be able to enjoy more time with friends and do her own thing.
Other than that, we are happy campers. We have family game nights, cleaning parties and the take turns washing dishes. We are like a normal family I guess. We have fun! :)

God is continuing to teach me and Jeremy in our marriage. Yesterday we joked about how to answer the question, "So, how's married life?" because we get that a lot. We have some good laughs. But married life is great. This past Sunday I got to hear Jeremy preach at church for the first time. He's so smart. It was such an encouragement to my heart... another awesome, answered prayer. I still struggle with this whole being a "pastors wife one day" thing, but God has definitely been showing me why he called Jeremy into that kind of ministry.

We are beyond thankful for all of the support you have given us in our lives and in Kiera's life. Thank you for praying! God continues to bless us and show us where he's at work. I'll continue to keep you posted on our little happenings. I'll end with this scripture that encouraged my heart this morning from Psalm 71, verses 14-16."But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone."  

our tradition.

Six years ago, when Jeremy and I were "just friends", we went to Atlanta for our first Braves game. I LOVEEE baseball, so at the time the present was very thoughtful! We drove to Atlanta for the day. Jeremy got tickets for me, Valerie, and himself. He planned the whole day. He even got me a Braves hat to wear to the game. It was a sweet present. This past weekend I joked that he bought the tickets for my birthday hoping that I would just fall in love with him. He replied with "I didn't hope, I knew you would."

Since that time a lot has changed. He was right. We are now married and every year for my birthday we carry the same excitement for the trip that we did on our first drive to Turner Field! We have made it into a couples tradition. Jason wasn't able to go on our first trip because he was working at Asbury Hills for the summer, but every year since he has been there with us.

No trip is the same, although we do try to keep the usuals: Ikea, H&M (poor guys), Turner Field, and occasionally Stone Mountain. I love my birthday tradition and I love spending it with my 3 favorite people!

Happy 21st Birthday, Valerie! Love you! Here's to many more Atlanta visits... one day it will include our children! YIKES! We are growing up! :)

Our 2 week update...

Some of you may know that one of my favorite verses is 2 Corinthians 12: 9 & 10. It says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." This has been in the back of my mind since we "adopted" Kiera.

Let me explain. Kiera is broken. We are broken (and goodness, did I need this reminder). It's a hard place to be because we have no control; we have "no hope", but at the same time quickly forget that we have Jesus... He is all the hope we need and more.

Kiera has been coming to work with me to use the internet to look for jobs. We have internet at home, but it's weak and limited. I thought it'd be good for her to not feel the pressure of using the internet up. The other day she came into my office and started to cry. What happened has been frozen in my memory for life.

She started crying as she talked about her situation. Her family hasn't called to check on her. They haven't even sent graduation cards… talk about putting life into perspective for this seemingly busy, preoccupied adoptive mother. As all of this is unfolding before my eyes she says something to me that my heart breaks even more to what she’s dealing with and just how broken she is. She says, "If this is what Christianity is about... I don't want any part of it." She goes on to talk about the sadness she has and confesses that she has doubted Christianity because of the people who have turned their backs on her.

I have personally been struggling with her family and she knows it. I can’t talk about it because it gets me angry… to the point that I cry. How could Christians kick a girl to the street with nothing? Why wouldn’t she doubt? I instantly knew that this is lesson God has for me.

All of the past events have kept playing in her head and she’s started to think about her life. She thought about where God was leading her, the family she has, and her living with us and the burden she thinks it is. She wasn't crying because she doesn't have a job, although it is hard for her. She wasn't crying because she doesn't have a plan... also hard for her. She wasn't crying because she doesn't have anything (remember, it was all sent to Texas and she's living out of 3 suitcases.) She was crying because her family hasn't called and she felt unloved. To me, Jeremy and I love her. We gave her a place to live, we give her food to eat and we drive her around. She has a shower, electricity, movies to watch, a washer and dryer... all of these things are provided for her. She needs to be loved. To be poured into. To be prayed for. To be guided spiritually. To be held accountable. To be a child.

When I got home that night I talked to Jeremy and what had happened. I knew eventually she would break down, but I didn’t expect to hear what I heard. Jeremy encouraged me by saying we will not kick her to the street, we will love her the way Christ loves us and she will heal. (I tell ya’, he’s a great, wise, and ever so patient husband!) I could tell he was hurt by the words, but I could also tell that he knew God was working in this.

The next day as we started our drive to work I told her I was glad she was broken. She looked at me like I was crazy and asked me why. I explained that in my experience, in my darkest hours of weakness and sadness, God provided for me. I explained that the weaker she is, the stronger Christ will make her. I reminded her that we are our best when we can’t rely on ourselves or on our talents… God fills us up with his spirit and works in ways we can’t even begin to imagine. That’s when we have peace.

Our 2 week update is a sweet reminder of how God is working in this to change our hearts and to be glorified. It’ll be a story that Kiera will be able to share with young people struggling with these same issues. Although we don’t know the outcome, we know God’s will is good and perfect. But I'm also reminded of how many people in this world don't feel loved. We go through our days preoccupied with our own problems that we forget to look around to a hurting and lost world.

Many of you have asked how you can help. I ask that you simple pray for us.  I want Kiera to know what it’s like to feel loved and to know she’s loved. So please just pray for us as we experience Christ in this whole situation! And I want to challenge each of you to pray for God to show you someone to love. I can guarantee you there are people all around you who just need someone to listen to them, to hug them, or just to tell them they are loved.

just a little change...

I’m sorry for not posting a lot this semester. Things have been busy at work and in our lives. I’m sorry! I hope to be able to post more through summer. With that being said there is a new person I need to introduce you to! She has been on the blog before, but our lives have taken a turn and I want you to know her!

Before I introduce you to her, I need to explain a little bit about what God has been challenging me with the past 2 months. At the beginning of the year, January and February(ish), I was struggling. I longed to be going on a mission trip, going back to Uganda, doing something other than sitting in an office. I was starting to resent my job because of the late nights working, struggling with different things about my job, and not spending much time with the hubs.

At Easter my pastor gave a message that encouraged me. He was explaining to us that we read the bible, we see the gospel, we celebrate it and then we stop. We don’t take action unless it’s what we want. (That last part was really my paraphrase, but it’s what I got out of the sermon.) I began to think about my life and challenge myself to find Christ where I was, whether in sitting at my desk talking on the phone for hours or meeting with students. I started to see God all around me and my heart was changing.

Through these past months He has been reminding me to invest in people, invest in their lives, spend time just loving them. How quickly we, or maybe just I forget, how we can be Jesus to people by loving them the way he loves us! I knew a change was coming. Every week we drove away from church and I told Jeremy “God is preparing us for something.” Little did I know what that would be.So… meet Kiera.

Right after graduation

Some of you know her and some of you do not. I met Kiera 4 years ago at Columbia College. I helped her come to Columbia College because her counselor at the time (my lovely friend in the pink) was out on maternity leave. She was one of the very first students I helped in my job. After the started CC she began to visit me and we would engage in conversations about everything, including Jesus. I have seen her grow into an incredibly, lovely Godly woman. I have cried and rejoiced over this girl and what God has done in her life over the past 4 years. It's been a blessing to watch!

On Saturday I had the priviledge of watching her graduate from CC. Without thinking, I went through the day like a normal graduation day: watching her walk across the stage, grab her diploma and bible, meeting family and friends. I couldn’t have been more proud. We went to her dinner and that’s when our lives changed. Not to make it sound dramatic, but it kind of was.

What you don’t know is that Kiera has had a tough life. I’m able to share this with everyone because she allowed it. I think it’s important to know how God works when we don’t expect Him to. After our dinner Kiera was literally left orphaned in the parking lot. The family she was with decided not to take her back to Texas where they lived, where she had bought a ticket to go and sent all of her belongings. This happened in front of a few of Kiera’s friends and other family members... and me. No one took a stand for her and I instantly knew that this is what God had prepared me for.

The reason for this post is to have your support through prayer and because I think you should know what’s going on in the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Dickerson. We call her our daughter. I even took her to a birthday party and explained to the children that she was my daughter and introduced her to my mom, her Lela. Our goal? To show her the grace, mercy, and love that Christ has showed us in our lives and to follow Him through all of this… after all, this is what He had planned for us!

Meeting my mom

I can’t imagine living the life she’s lived. If only you knew more of it. This is just a small dose of what Kiera has been dealing with in her 22 years of life! I told Jeremy the other night that we grew up poor, but God has surely put my life and his life into perspective by knowing the life Kiera has lived.

 So now she lives with us. This is why there was no Africa, no mission trips, and the message that God was preparing us for something different. We are trying to get her on our feet and accepting this obvious call from God to be her caretakers. 

We didn’t expect this at all. We hope that you will pray for me and Jeremy as we care for Kiera. I hope you'll join with us in praying for Kiera as she adjusts to this new life and seeks to understand where God wants her to be. I joked with Kiera that when I prayed over our dinner Saturday, and I prayed about God guiding her every step of her life, I didn’t realize it would mean her next step was into my home!

We love you, Kiera! We are excited about what God is doing!

Happy Spring!

I apologize for the delay in posts. The Dickerson household has been very busy this spring. Yesterday was our first Easter as a little family. We enjoyed spending time at church, with our families, and together at our house. Here we are with baby Olivia Kay, or Oli Kay as I like to call her!

We are incredibly blessed to live near my sister, Valerie, and their little family. Olivia is fun and we love her a lot. We get our baby fix weekly and so does Jeremy's family (Thanks for that, Val and Jason)! Marriage has been such a beautiful blessing. It's great to learn and grow together. The only complaint I have these days is the happy weight we've gained... it really is true! We have our little routines and none of them include working out together. We are going to change that and get in tip-top shape for the summer and let out some steam while we're at it.

The next few months will be busy for us, but I promise to make more of an effort to share what God is doing in our lives! Right now we are continuing to prepare for our ministry together and I am praying about going to school... something I said I never wanted to do! YIKES! We are thankful to see God continuing to work in the lives of our friends and family! It's been encouraging for us to see God transforming lives all around us- we love it!

Thanks for stopping by! I hope to update again soon. Love to you all! XOXO

1 month down...

Well last month was a fabulous one. J and I have been married for a month and it has been absolutely beautiful! God has been teaching me so much and I know this is just a glimpse of what a lifetime following Christ is like.

After our honeymoon we jumped right back into work. It was different than I expected it to be. It was strange to drive to his house and stay after all of these years of just hanging out. It was strange unpacking boxes of my old life and blend our lives together in our beautiful house. It was strange washing our first load of laundry together. I know those seem like nothing, but it was like I was living in a dream. For a while I couldn't believe if finally happened... we were finally married.

Every day I fall more and more in love with my sweet husband. I mentioned that to someone and they mentioned that they hoped that would happen, especially since we just got married. But I didn't expect to actually learn about someone more after I've known him forever. He's funny and charming and incredibly caring. He's supportive and thoughtful and insightful. I appreciate my husband so much and I look foward to a lifetime together, as long as God gives us!

I started to wonder why I didn't think I would love my husband more and more each day? It's a funny thought. Maybe I just assumed that since we were in love we'd always be in love...even after the honeymoon bliss stage. I love him. Period. I really started thinking about this and I began to understand that my love for him is a direct correlation to understanding God's blessing of this marriage in my life. My marriage to J is a sweet, sweet blessing. One I don't feel I deserve sometimes... but that's the beauty of God!

I began to take this thought and apply it to other areas of my life: The stress at work, the difficulties I was facing personally, the transitions and questions. I realized that all of it, not just the sweet, happy moments are a blessing from God. If I can view them that way, I can see God's blessings and lessons in them. Does that make sense?! A lof of times I feel like I just talk and type what my mind is thinking and only I can understand it... that's ok with me, though! :)

We've already faced a few small struggles in this first month, but we have so much to be thankful for and so much more to learn! We came home to loving families, a sweet baby Olivia, jobs, a house, an incredible, incredible, incredible church family, and each other! If month 1 gave us any idea of what a lifetime together is like we are going to have fun!!!

Honeymooners :)

I had to wait to get onto Jeremy's computer to put more pictures from our honeymoon up. We went on a cruise, our first one, to St. Marteen, Puerto Rico, and Labadee, Haiti. We had an incredible time. It was quite the adventure. Our first 2 days felt like we were lost at sea. The boat was rocking pretty bad and the wind was so strong you didn't want to sit out by the pool. We played basketball instead, but since it was an outdoor court the wind kept our game impossible.

We had the most fun at our dinners. The couple we sat with had a 7 year old son and they were from Canada! Every night it was going to sit with family. We'd sit over dinner exchanging stories of the day! We really loved sitting with them! One night they went to a different restaurant to celebrate Glen's (the husbands) birthday and we had our giant 10 person table to ourselves. Our waiter made a candle out of the napkin and we had our first elegant dinner together as husband and wife... AW! I know, it was precious! Our waiter was incredible and fattened us up without us even asking. It was like he could read our stomachs! :)

The only visit we didn't get to enjoy was Puerto Rico. Our stop was so short! We walked to the forts and all around Old San Juan. We had lunch in a fantastic Puerto Rican bakery. We got far away from the tourist zone as we possibly could to experience PR together. We have visited, me multiple times and Jeremy 1 time, with family, but this was our first visit together. Some of you may know how much we love Puerto Rico and feel a calling to do ministry work there eventually. We continue to pray about that adventure in our lives, but for now our place in back home in SC! We look forward to God calling us to go back there for more than just vacations! It was sad to leave, but we were encouraged knowing we'd be back.

Anyways, you're here to see more pictures! Don't let me bore you! xoxo