If you've asked me how I am doing lately you've probably heard any variation of "Exhausted" "Exhausted and I hate my life." "Hmph." I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted for the past few weeks and I just couldn't seem to shake it. I usually push myself to the limit. I always overcommit and stretch myself thin, but there was something about this exhaustion. There were days in the past few weeks where I literally crawled into bed as soon as I got home and didn't get out until the next morning. I was dreading my days. My mind was so overloaded I even got myself lost on my way to work one morning. How does that happen? I have been physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally exhausted and I couldn't make myself answer "How are you?" in any other way than to be truthful.
Many of you may know that a few weeks ago our Aunt Eva suffered a stroke and has been in the hospital. When we went to Tennessee to be with her I met one of her dearest friends for the first time. She encouraged me to continue my blog. We had never met before and she told me about the things she read and how much she enjoys reading it. Since the summer I've struggled with what to write about, but I knew when the time was right I would have something to say. For the past few months I just haven't had the words. That's weird for me. I always have words. Ask Jeremy... sometimes I have too many words! I am a talk it out kind of person. But God was working in me in a way I couldn't describe. I found myself just praying that he would reveal it to me in His timing. I knew one day I'd figure it out. I would understand what was going on.
For the entire summer God has been working on my heart. I've felt it. In Jeremiah 18 God tells us that we are the clay in His hands. He is our potter (v.6). One day my pastor asked me how I was and I told him I literally felt like God was taking me and molding me into something different. I felt like a ball of clay and every day I was changing. He said that was good. I didn't feel like it was good. I was comfortable and didn't feel like dealing with the constant shuffle of being molded into something new. I guess I assumed that because I'd gone to Africa so much in me had already changed that there wouldn't be anything changing in me for a while... silly assumption. God is constantly changing us! My heart had experienced so much while I was in Africa and God was showing me that he isn't done yet. I'm a constant work in progress!
Every day I've been battling with these feelings of being molded, unsure of what's going on, sometimes scared that God was doing, and just being plain exhausted by life. This past week I finally decided to ask God to help me understand why I kept feeling this way and I guess I was ready to hear it. God in his infinite love revealed some things to me that I wanted to share.
The first one is this, I have a husband who has been called into ministry. What does that have to do with anything? Well, ask any pastors wife or wife of a seminary student and you'll understand how much giving and sacrifice it takes to help your husband get this work done! For me being in the ministry is a dream come true. I can't think of a better way to spend my life. Having to plan around Jeremy's schooling, lessons, quizzes, exams, studying, etc has been stressful. It doesn't help that we live in a world that tells us it's ok to focus on ourselves over others. God has given me a special and difficult role as a seminary student wife. One day he will be a pastor and I will be ready to support that role! My changing heart will understand how crucial our jobs are for God's kingdom. Jeremy is gracious and loves me even when I don't deserve it. I think he understands that the exhaustion that comes from this work is a learning process. One day it will come easily! I am thankful that God has given me such a gracious and loving husband.
Next, God reminded me through one of his scriptures just how much he cares for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I just love that scripture. For the past few months, and weeks especially, I've lived the "I can't handle it, but I'll just keep doing it my own way" syndrome. And in my stubbornness God continues to help me see that I am exactly where he wants me. God can do more through me in my weakest moment than I can ever do all on my own in my strongest moments. I love this scripture, and I think about it often, but today it was real. It applied to my life and God was answering my questions. I am exhausted and I don't have to be.
Last, God reminded me that he called me to be his! It's so important and this reminder hit me like a ton of bricks across the face. At church we've been reading 1 Samuel (in Sunday school) and Mark. It's been awesome to see how both go together. The Bible is so alive! In Samuel you see the difficult life that David is living. He's running from Saul, constantly fighting and hiding, but trusting that God has a plan. As I read that this morning I thought, "Man, David must be exhausted." But his faith looked different than mine. He trusted God in a way I wasn't. I was controlling things because I didn't like them. David didn't want to live in a cave or be in hiding, but he was. He made the best of it and made sure that God was glorified through it all. Amazing.
And then there's Jesus. I started in Mark Chapter 1 and was planning to read up to where we are at church. I read through the second chapter before I had to flip the page... and it hit me. Everything that Jesus did suddenly overwhelmed me. Take a look at it for yourself. Flip open your bible and just read the titles and think about everything he did in his short life. I flipped page after page and just by reading the titles I was exhausted... Jesus drives out the evil spirit, heals a paralytic, appoints apostles, feeds thousands, travels here and there preaching and teaching, raises from the dead, heals the sick. Those are all just through Chapter 8.
How exhausted must Jesus have been? But Jesus was different than most of us. He kept going. I can just imagine that Jesus, in his weakness from being in this world with so many people who needed so many things, was exhausted. But he constantly went to the Father and was given strength. I am exhausted and weak, and my Father is waiting for me to ask him to take over! Jesus works and prays and works and prays and works and prays... all without ceasing. That is what I am called to do. Exhausted is right where I am supposed to be. With this balance of working and praying God will energize me, love me, encourage me, and fill me up every day to be emptied for his people!
And after all of this I come back to the simple task that God spoke to me about in December 2005 when I knew He called me into ministry work, "Come, follow me", Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." (Mark 1:17) It's not an easy job, but I am thankful for the constant reminders that he loves me and has everything in control. Aren't you?
