Oh, the fear!

I don’t consider myself a brave person, but I don’t live my life in fear. One thing I’ve noticed from other people is the fear they try to force upon you when you have a child {or in my case, a perfect, little, sweet baby}! While pregnant, I grew to despise any sort of phrase like “Oh, you just wait” or “Wait until this” or any sort of variation of that that ended in some terrible horror story about pregnancy, child birth, first weeks home, etc. I often found that people would JUMP at the chance to tell a terrible, scary story over sharing praises and joys. I am finding that these sorts of statements never actually go away.

My confession: Margo sleeps on her stomach. Go ahead and take a moment to judge. It’s apparently the thing to do. After many efforts to get her to sleep on her back, Jeremy and I made the decision to do what was best for Margo. She’s been sleeping that way since she was 3 weeks old. I can tell you that I haven’t slept in 4 month. And I've never prayed more.

 I never really talk about this part of our lives because people judge. I've heard every statement, suggestion, scary story, etc. And I've had enough.  The comments and reactions I’ve heard about this decision have filled me with so many mixed emotions: I’m mad that people find out and judge immediately, I’m mad that people continually tell me stories of children dying because they slept on their stomachs, I’m sad for the parents who have lost a child, I’m confused because I don’t know if I should listen to what everyone tells me or trust my mommy gut (after all, I did birth this child), and I’m sad that I always feel like it’s a secret that I have to keep. I let the opinions and scary stories let me live in a secret state of fear. 

Over the weekend I shared this picture on my social media:

 My sweet child was upset because she didn’t get any good napping in before a 4 hour (turned 5.3 hour) drive. She cried 2 hours of the ride... Minimum. She was so unrecognizable to me. It’s really heartbreaking to see your child so tired and know that all she wants so desperately to do is sleep. I think we can all agree that we know how that feels even as adults. Her little brain was on overload.  Many people said things that encouraged my heart- thank you! Others were realists. I’m not mad about that. I understand rules, I understand reality. The world needs people to be realists. But reading the comments threw me into one of my passionate tangents about this topic that I’ve struggled with for almost 5 months {Margo will be 5 months on the 28^th}. I’m thankful that my husband listens, even if my passion makes my voice seem like I’m yelling, and then calmly tries to bring me back down to earth. I am passionate about helping people understand that we are using certain situations to instill fear into new moms. It's not fair.  

For my sanity I needed to release this secret that I hold on to. I love Margo. I cry just thinking about it. I would never do anything to intentionally harm her. I would never do anything that is not in her best interest. I never thought that I would enjoy a life of changing diapers, being peed on, staying wet because of drool, sleepless nights, having no time to use the bathroom, constantly pumping, not washing my hair or doing my makeup, and staying home just because I want her to be comfortable…but I do. I love this life that I have been given. It’s a joy and a blessing to be her mother. I don’t take this job lightly. My reality is that I serve a big God. He knows every minute of our lives and I trust that He knows what's best for our family and for Margo. I TRUST HIM! I can't imagine or comprehend how much he loves Margo, or me, or Jeremy. I love both of them so much that His love is just something I can not fathom. Think about that and rejoice in it! 

 So please, I beg of you, if you are a horror story teller, if you can only say things that instill fear in others, please stop. No two babies are the same and they shouldn’t be treated that way.  Encourage a new mother. Lift them up. Since becoming a mother, I find that I make more of an effort to share good stories, to compliment people and talk to other moms about their personal experiences, and to encourage them. I hope that you do the same after reading this.